So as I was responding to another blogger I got to thinking.. How disposible are we when we're in an online based relationship.
Being cautious is something that is built up over years.. a response to hurt. It's normal for us to protect ourself. It's nature. So, when one considers that there's a convenience issue with onlne dating, one has to consider that if a relationship "chatting or after meeting" isn't EXACTLY as we hoped, how inclined to go "shopping" again? How disposible are online-based relationships? When do BOTH parties decide that they are going to lay aside the keyboard and give it a real go?
Hey all in BlogLand...
So as I was responding to another blogger I got to thinking.. How disposible are we when we're in an online based relationship.
Being cautious is something that is built up over years.. a response to hurt. It's normal for us to protect ourself. It's nature. So, when one considers that there's a convenience issue with onlne dating, one has to consider that if a relationship "chatting or after meeting" isn't EXACTLY as we hoped, how inclined to go "shopping" again? How disposible are online-based relationships? When do BOTH parties decide that they are going to lay aside the keyboard and give it a real go?
The good and bad of internet dating is you are going to "meet" more people. And, just like in real life, you will discover, even after 'Round One,' 'Round Two,' etc., are perfect, there may be an absolute rainout in Round Three. (He or she may not wish to: have kids, raise kids, relocate, be faithful, eat with a fork, wear clothes around the house, go to the opera, go to the tractor pull, clean her own fish.......etc., etc., etc.):):) The list of potential rainouts is nearly limitless.
Now if you know it's an absolute rainout for you, why wouldn't you terminate the budding relationship, instead of leading them on??? Which is more cruel? I believe honesty is the best policy. As soon as YOU know it...he or she should know it, too.
Then the only question is whether to be completely honest, or merely polite. If you see on the new photos that he has lost his hair and put on 30 pounds, do you say that is the reason? Or the earlier pics were the best ones, and now, honest lighting, etc., shows him or her to be ugly enough to scare dogs and small children. When they ask why, do you really say that? Or do you politely say that you have developed an interest in someone else?
And even if you wanted to be fully honest, some people do not react well to your opinion. THEIR mirror still sees them as 25, slim, honest, kind, smart, sexy, witty and fashionable. An opinion to the contrary can elicit venomous responses. And maybe rightfully so.....your opinion may BE full of sh*t. So, I tend to think it is usually better to just be vague, say thank you for your time and interest, and I'll be moving along. Personally, I respect a polite, honest, "Thank you, but I believe I'm going to keep looking."
I've been on both sides.....the 'rejected' side far more often. And no matter if MY opinion is she is making a mistake to not get to know me better, I've found it is ALWAYS unproductive to push for a reprieve. Even if granted, the footing is uneven from that moment forward. It is better to move on, for both parties.
The good and bad of internet dating is you are going to "meet" more people. And, just like in real life, you will discover, even after 'Round One,' 'Round Two,' etc., are perfect, there may be an absolute rainout in Round Three. (He or she may not wish to: have kids, raise kids, relocate, be faithful, eat with a fork, wear clothes around the house, go to the opera, go to the tractor pull, clean her own fish.......etc., etc., etc.):):) The list of potential rainouts is nearly limitless.
Now if you know it's an absolute rainout for you, why wouldn't you terminate the budding relationship, instead of leading them on??? Which is more cruel? I believe honesty is the best policy. As soon as YOU know it...he or she should know it, too.
Then the only question is whether to be completely honest, or merely polite. If you see on the new photos that he has lost his hair and put on 30 pounds, do you say that is the reason? Or the earlier pics were the best ones, and now, honest lighting, etc., shows him or her to be ugly enough to scare dogs and small children. When they ask why, do you really say that? Or do you politely say that you have developed an interest in someone else?
And even if you wanted to be fully honest, some people do not react well to your opinion. THEIR mirror still sees them as 25, slim, honest, kind, smart, sexy, witty and fashionable. An opinion to the contrary can elicit venomous responses. And maybe rightfully so.....your opinion may BE full of sh*t. So, I tend to think it is usually better to just be vague, say thank you for your time and interest, and I'll be moving along. Personally, I respect a polite, honest, "Thank you, but I believe I'm going to keep looking."
I've been on both sides.....the 'rejected' side far more often. And no matter if MY opinion is she is making a mistake to not get to know me better, I've found it is ALWAYS unproductive to push for a reprieve. Even if granted, the footing is uneven from that moment forward. It is better to move on, for both parties.
I enjoyed both your comments. I have been the victim of a user. I really believed his lies and felt like the rug had been completely pulled out from under me when he suddenly lost interest and disappeared. I am not a needy, clingy person and I never put people up on pedestals. Like you said, sparkler72, we are all human. However, there are some really deceitful people out there who take advantage of others' honesty and kindness and seem to have no remorse for their selfish behaviors. As a result, I've become much more cautious (I thought I was a cautious person already!). I know there are some very good, decent people out there and I hope to find one someday. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject.
I enjoyed both your comments. I have been the victim of a user. I really believed his lies and felt like the rug had been completely pulled out from under me when he suddenly lost interest and disappeared. I am not a needy, clingy person and I never put people up on pedestals. Like you said, sparkler72, we are all human. However, there are some really deceitful people out there who take advantage of others' honesty and kindness and seem to have no remorse for their selfish behaviors. As a result, I've become much more cautious (I thought I was a cautious person already!). I know there are some very good, decent people out there and I hope to find one someday. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject.
LaNegrita, I saw you on my blog, that you were going to write a new one on this topic. I had to come see what you had to say. I wish I knew how to get to the point as quickly as you! Anyway, I find that people cut and run at the slightest hint of the other person being somehow 'bad' or 'wrong' for them. I tend to do this, and I try to avoid it, especially when I find myself attracted to another person more then usual. Its a HABIT. We get so caught up in our own needs and desires that we don't think "hey, am I someone I would date?" If the answer is no, then why do we ask another to do so? Instead, we just think "I want this, I want that, I need this, I need that, in a partner" and when our wish list isn't instantly fulfilled, or is only partially fulfilled, we drop the other person like a hot rock. We objectify others. Being online makes it easy, you never have to see their face in person, hear their voice, get to feel who they are as a person, if you don't want to. On the other side, it is easy to sometimes raise another person up on a pedestal and then get hurt when they turn out to be HUMAN. No one is disposable. Not in this world, or the next. It is just too easy to forget that online. Then again, we have to consider that there is a very small population of scammers and users, that makes it all so much more difficult. I have to say what I've said before, don't automatically distrust, but don't trust blindly. Withhold judgement and feelings and go slow. Give the other person a chance to let down their walls, because someone has to be first to take a chance. Otherwise, its a never ending cycle of: see someone interesting, talk a little, see something you don't like, drop that person and move on. No one is perfect! I for one, do not like the life of a serial dater.
LaNegrita, I saw you on my blog, that you were going to write a new one on this topic. I had to come see what you had to say. I wish I knew how to get to the point as quickly as you! Anyway, I find that people cut and run at the slightest hint of the other person being somehow 'bad' or 'wrong' for them. I tend to do this, and I try to avoid it, especially when I find myself attracted to another person more then usual. Its a HABIT. We get so caught up in our own needs and desires that we don't think "hey, am I someone I would date?" If the answer is no, then why do we ask another to do so? Instead, we just think "I want this, I want that, I need this, I need that, in a partner" and when our wish list isn't instantly fulfilled, or is only partially fulfilled, we drop the other person like a hot rock. We objectify others. Being online makes it easy, you never have to see their face in person, hear their voice, get to feel who they are as a person, if you don't want to. On the other side, it is easy to sometimes raise another person up on a pedestal and then get hurt when they turn out to be HUMAN. No one is disposable. Not in this world, or the next. It is just too easy to forget that online. Then again, we have to consider that there is a very small population of scammers and users, that makes it all so much more difficult. I have to say what I've said before, don't automatically distrust, but don't trust blindly. Withhold judgement and feelings and go slow. Give the other person a chance to let down their walls, because someone has to be first to take a chance. Otherwise, its a never ending cycle of: see someone interesting, talk a little, see something you don't like, drop that person and move on. No one is perfect! I for one, do not like the life of a serial dater.
Love without holding back, do not let fear or anger destroy your relationships, laugh often and without reserve, do work that you love, play hard and fair, be generous with your time and attention--it is more precious then platinum, talk out your problems with those who matter most to you, be honest with yourself and with others, try to be kind to all and live as if each moment you will be called to your maker the next. God bless you and good love to you!
