This is a comment I made in response to someone on a previous blog of mine and I realized that it deserved its own blog. This one took two comment spaces....
I did a little editing.
How many singles are aware of their over-defensive, super-sensitive, hyper-active crap detectors? We are all on the lookout for the jerks, so we aren't taken in again.
Having been burned, having been involved with jerks (male or female), knowing the signs and red flags, we forget that no one is perfect. There are going to be SOME things that are not indicative of a jerk, but are really just that other person's own over-defensive, super-sensitive, hyper-active crap detector. Sometimes we have to wait for that crap detector to quiet down so the other person can behave in the way they normally act, with friends and family who they know well and can rely on to still be there when one of life's many storms hit (If after a few days or a week, they are still acting the same, then their crap detector is REALLY messed up and there is nothing you can do but move on, knowing you waited and withheld judgement until a fair judgement could be made). Just remember that sometimes (not all times) we need to give them a chance to be themselves and see us for who we really are, while remaining emotionally distant enough to not get hurt, but not so distant as to seem cold or uncaring.
So we know what NOT to go for. We know what type of personality to shoot down before he/she can become an emotional threat. But, does that mean we know when we have a good one? I find this to be a key in my search. I have a very hard time listening over the wild beeping of my crap detector, to those who speak softly. They aren't full of crap, but my radar says they are and only when it's too late, do I realize it, after I've chased off yet another really good guy. Its very frustrating.
Okay, so we have our own issues to muddle through, finding 'The One'. Its all about trust. Having placed our trust in someone unworthy of it enough times in the past that we find it very hard to trust any one, no matter how nice they seem.
I'm not saying to trust blindly, I'm saying to hold off judgement. I know how hard this is because it is my number one stumbling block. I don't want to be treated badly, so I drop the guy before he can hurt me.
I'm tempted to say it's the same with men. I think some women tend to forget that men have feelings as well, and some men tend to believe that women are over-reacting, drama queens, when really that woman is reacting appropriately to the perceived threat. It's her perception that is off. Crap detector faulty sensor.
So, I have been working on turning down my crap detector. It can run in the background and still work fine, but it should not be my number one tester of a good dating candidate.
I have a lot of growing to do, I know. I work on it all the time. Every time I find myself over-reacting, I try to take it down a notch, look objectively at the situation and look at how the other person possibly perceives me, how would I perceive myself, and I don't like what I see. That helps me to keep improving myself, to work toward handling things in a healthier way.
I don't give up, because, as they say, practice makes perfect. I'm not striving for perfection, no one can be perfect, but I strive for pretty darn close to perfect. The more I do this, the more I learn, the better I become at maintaining my cool, learning to look at the situation in as unbiased a manner as it is possible to do, being on one side of the situation. I don't get hurt as much, because a lot of that hurt is from perceived wrong doing, and not actual wrong doing. I'm working on my perception and patience.
I have gone off on some guys here, but I'm proud to say that each time it was less intense, less 'crazy' more controlled and I was able to rein myself in sooner. I hate that I do go off on these guys, they don't deserve it, but like pavlov's dogs, I'm reacting to a stimulus that has nothing to do with the person I am reacting too. It has to do with my past, relationships that left me scarred, regardless of how I tried to take only the good out of them. Crap detector overload.
My task now is to work to put that past firmly in the past, diminish the scars to as gone as possible.
They call it baggage because, like a suitcase, you can carry it around, let it drag you down and wear you out and take all your energy, or you can choose to put it down. Just put it down and walk away. That is the hard part. We get attached to our baggage, it becomes too important to us, a ruling factor in our love-lives and other relationships, and no matter how much we detest the way carrying that baggage around makes us feel, we find it very difficult to put down and walk away from it. Crap detector Trojan horse.
Difficult, not impossible.
So, I remain positive, with a few negative moments here and there, but getting fewer and farther in between, and less intense. I am learning
This is a comment I made in response to someone on a previous blog of mine and I realized that it deserved its own blog. This one took two comment spaces....
I did a little editing.
How many singles are aware of their over-defensive, super-sensitive, hyper-active crap detectors? We are all on the lookout for the jerks, so we aren't taken in again.
Having been burned, having been involved with jerks (male or female), knowing the signs and red flags, we forget that no one is perfect. There are going to be SOME things that are not indicative of a jerk, but are really just that other person's own over-defensive, super-sensitive, hyper-active crap detector. Sometimes we have to wait for that crap detector to quiet down so the other person can behave in the way they normally act, with friends and family who they know well and can rely on to still be there when one of life's many storms hit (If after a few days or a week, they are still acting the same, then their crap detector is REALLY messed up and there is nothing you can do but move on, knowing you waited and withheld judgement until a fair judgement could be made). Just remember that sometimes (not all times) we need to give them a chance to be themselves and see us for who we really are, while remaining emotionally distant enough to not get hurt, but not so distant as to seem cold or uncaring.
So we know what NOT to go for. We know what type of personality to shoot down before he/she can become an emotional threat. But, does that mean we know when we have a good one? I find this to be a key in my search. I have a very hard time listening over the wild beeping of my crap detector, to those who speak softly. They aren't full of crap, but my radar says they are and only when it's too late, do I realize it, after I've chased off yet another really good guy. Its very frustrating.
Okay, so we have our own issues to muddle through, finding 'The One'. Its all about trust. Having placed our trust in someone unworthy of it enough times in the past that we find it very hard to trust any one, no matter how nice they seem.
I'm not saying to trust blindly, I'm saying to hold off judgement. I know how hard this is because it is my number one stumbling block. I don't want to be treated badly, so I drop the guy before he can hurt me.
I'm tempted to say it's the same with men. I think some women tend to forget that men have feelings as well, and some men tend to believe that women are over-reacting, drama queens, when really that woman is reacting appropriately to the perceived threat. It's her perception that is off. Crap detector faulty sensor.
So, I have been working on turning down my crap detector. It can run in the background and still work fine, but it should not be my number one tester of a good dating candidate.
I have a lot of growing to do, I know. I work on it all the time. Every time I find myself over-reacting, I try to take it down a notch, look objectively at the situation and look at how the other person possibly perceives me, how would I perceive myself, and I don't like what I see. That helps me to keep improving myself, to work toward handling things in a healthier way.
I don't give up, because, as they say, practice makes perfect. I'm not striving for perfection, no one can be perfect, but I strive for pretty darn close to perfect. The more I do this, the more I learn, the better I become at maintaining my cool, learning to look at the situation in as unbiased a manner as it is possible to do, being on one side of the situation. I don't get hurt as much, because a lot of that hurt is from perceived wrong doing, and not actual wrong doing. I'm working on my perception and patience.
I have gone off on some guys here, but I'm proud to say that each time it was less intense, less 'crazy' more controlled and I was able to rein myself in sooner. I hate that I do go off on these guys, they don't deserve it, but like pavlov's dogs, I'm reacting to a stimulus that has nothing to do with the person I am reacting too. It has to do with my past, relationships that left me scarred, regardless of how I tried to take only the good out of them. Crap detector overload.
My task now is to work to put that past firmly in the past, diminish the scars to as gone as possible.
They call it baggage because, like a suitcase, you can carry it around, let it drag you down and wear you out and take all your energy, or you can choose to put it down. Just put it down and walk away. That is the hard part. We get attached to our baggage, it becomes too important to us, a ruling factor in our love-lives and other relationships, and no matter how much we detest the way carrying that baggage around makes us feel, we find it very difficult to put down and walk away from it. Crap detector Trojan horse.
Difficult, not impossible.
So, I remain positive, with a few negative moments here and there, but getting fewer and farther in between, and less intense. I am learning
Love without holding back, do not let fear or anger destroy your relationships, laugh often and without reserve, do work that you love, play hard and fair, be generous with your time and attention--it is more precious then platinum, talk out your problems with those who matter most to you, be honest with yourself and with others, try to be kind to all and live as if each moment you will be called to your maker the next. God bless you and good love to you!
Love without holding back, do not let fear or anger destroy your relationships, laugh often and without reserve, do work that you love, play hard and fair, be generous with your time and attention--it is more precious then platinum, talk out your problems with those who matter most to you, be honest with yourself and with others, try to be kind to all and live as if each moment you will be called to your maker the next. God bless you and good love to you!
I've really been enjoying reading your insightful blogs, sparkler! This one really gave me something to think about...I look forward to more of your postings. Thanks!
I've really been enjoying reading your insightful blogs, sparkler! This one really gave me something to think about...I look forward to more of your postings. Thanks!
Sparkler--brilliant blog. Smart as smart can be. I salute you, friend. I will re-read this one over several times for sure. I expect you are going to be a most wise and illuminating addition to the blogs. I, for one, am very happy to see you here. Pat P.S.: Love your photo. So sophisticated and classy.
Sparkler--brilliant blog. Smart as smart can be. I salute you, friend. I will re-read this one over several times for sure. I expect you are going to be a most wise and illuminating addition to the blogs. I, for one, am very happy to see you here. Pat P.S.: Love your photo. So sophisticated and classy.
It is not my fault, or the other person's fault, or anyone's fault, that they have tools that do not work well to help us date successfully. They are the only tools we know of. It is up to each of us to seek out and learn to use the right tools, good tools that don't break and that support success, rather then failure. Crap detector repair or replacement (it has a life-time warranty).
I have to remember this. I have to remember that a 'jerk' is operating on programming, with crappy tools, and that helps me to not be hurt or angry so much and each time I remember, I deal with it better. Crappy, poorly programmed, Crap detector.
I choose not to operate on programming, or with crappy tools. I choose to seek out and find new tools and to learn how to implement them and to become a better dating partner. I know I am not a wonderful person to date, if I were, I wouldn't be on any dating site, I like to think that I'd be happily married.
But I also know that I can be wonderful as a dating partner, that I have had my moments to show this, and that is what I strive for on a regular basis because, I want to offer the best of myself so that I can get the best of my dating partner, and together, maybe we can get the best of US, if that is were things go.
How many single people here, or anywhere, actually think about it, strive to become better, to offer more, and how many just blame the other person and continue on with out any introspection?
The blame game has to stop, and we need to step out of our heads and take a look at ourselves. I know I need to do this and still I sometimes get stuck in the ego-centric thought process that blinds me to other's having lives and motives that do not have anything to do with the desire to hurt or control me. Crap detector malfunction.
Time to get a new, or properly refurbished, Crap detector. Like anything else, they wear out and need replacement, why keep using something that only damages your efforts?
It is not my fault, or the other person's fault, or anyone's fault, that they have tools that do not work well to help us date successfully. They are the only tools we know of. It is up to each of us to seek out and learn to use the right tools, good tools that don't break and that support success, rather then failure. Crap detector repair or replacement (it has a life-time warranty).
I have to remember this. I have to remember that a 'jerk' is operating on programming, with crappy tools, and that helps me to not be hurt or angry so much and each time I remember, I deal with it better. Crappy, poorly programmed, Crap detector.
I choose not to operate on programming, or with crappy tools. I choose to seek out and find new tools and to learn how to implement them and to become a better dating partner. I know I am not a wonderful person to date, if I were, I wouldn't be on any dating site, I like to think that I'd be happily married.
But I also know that I can be wonderful as a dating partner, that I have had my moments to show this, and that is what I strive for on a regular basis because, I want to offer the best of myself so that I can get the best of my dating partner, and together, maybe we can get the best of US, if that is were things go.
How many single people here, or anywhere, actually think about it, strive to become better, to offer more, and how many just blame the other person and continue on with out any introspection?
The blame game has to stop, and we need to step out of our heads and take a look at ourselves. I know I need to do this and still I sometimes get stuck in the ego-centric thought process that blinds me to other's having lives and motives that do not have anything to do with the desire to hurt or control me. Crap detector malfunction.
Time to get a new, or properly refurbished, Crap detector. Like anything else, they wear out and need replacement, why keep using something that only damages your efforts?
Love without holding back, do not let fear or anger destroy your relationships, laugh often and without reserve, do work that you love, play hard and fair, be generous with your time and attention--it is more precious then platinum, talk out your problems with those who matter most to you, be honest with yourself and with others, try to be kind to all and live as if each moment you will be called to your maker the next. God bless you and good love to you!
