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Quoting sparkler72:
I used to train horses, and every time I fell off, was bucked off or knocked off, I got back on as soon as I was done rubbing my backside, or what ever part was bruised. Every time I was kicked or bitten, I dealt with the perpetrator before I dealt with the pain, because with training horses, you have to impress upon the one who bit or kicked, immediately, why it is a bad idea to do so. They remember it better, and the bad behavior stops very quickly. As for being bucked off, the only way to deal with that is to try not to spook the horse while you get back on. One is an attitude problem that needs instant adjustment, the other is an instinctual reaction that can only be overcome with gentle persistence (and only occasionally is the bucking just pure orneriness).
I'm dealing with men who have bad attitudes, not with men whose instinctual reactions to self preservation make them act bad or stupid. I am the horse with the instinctual reaction, needing gentle persistence. So far, most men I meet just want instant gratification. You can't rush an abused horse. Neither can you rush a woman who has been abused. Gaining trust takes time and patience and effort. While I am working on myself, I am still also waiting and looking for the man who can let me set the pace and not think I'm stalling. It's really about learning to trust and waiting to see who he really is. Is he the person he presents himself as, or is his persona a front hiding something sinister? I'm willing to give a guy a chance, I'm not going to shoot him down from day one unless I just don't feel attraction. But, while giving him a chance, I am still going to keep from getting too involved until I feel secure enough to let down some barriers.
I've learned to slow down. And since I'm slowing down, I don't have time to spend on anyone that shows he has a bad attitude, and I certainly don't want to waste my energy blaming myself and trying to understand why a person is being mean when the problem is not mine but his and I don't need to make it mine by getting involved. So maybe occasionally I make a mistake in my perception. I'd rather shy away quickly and lose a good guy, then stick my neck in a lasso held buy a bad guy. I'd like to find the right man, but I'd rather be single for the rest of my life then ever go through what I've been through again.
I wonder how many people here are the ornery horses, needing attitude adjustments to become nicer, and how many people here are the easily scared horses who need gentle persistence? Two shy horses rarely get together, they are too busy snorting at each other from a distance and thinking the other is not really a horse at all, but a horse-eater disguised as a horse. So, in dealing with a shy horse, someone has to have a healthy sense of self and relationships to draw the other out and earn the trust so essential to a good relationship, if they really, really want the other person in their life, or the shy horse has to learn on their own to lose the fear while retaining a sense of self-preservation.
Are you the shy horse, or the ornery one, or are you the gentle, persistent, healthy person who is able to deal with the quirks of the shy horse, or the assertive, tough and thick-skinned trainer who not only can, but is willing to deal with the ornery horse?
I used to train horses, and every time I fell off, was bucked off or knocked off, I got back on as soon as I was done rubbing my backside, or what ever part was bruised. Every time I was kicked or bitten, I dealt with the perpetrator before I dealt with the pain, because with training horses, you have to impress upon the one who bit or kicked, immediately, why it is a bad idea to do so. They remember it better, and the bad behavior stops very quickly. As for being bucked off, the only way to deal with that is to try not to spook the horse while you get back on. One is an attitude problem that needs instant adjustment, the other is an instinctual reaction that can only be overcome with gentle persistence (and only occasionally is the bucking just pure orneriness).
I'm dealing with men who have bad attitudes, not with men whose instinctual reactions to self preservation make them act bad or stupid. I am the horse with the instinctual reaction, needing gentle persistence. So far, most men I meet just want instant gratification. You can't rush an abused horse. Neither can you rush a woman who has been abused. Gaining trust takes time and patience and effort. While I am working on myself, I am still also waiting and looking for the man who can let me set the pace and not think I'm stalling. It's really about learning to trust and waiting to see who he really is. Is he the person he presents himself as, or is his persona a front hiding something sinister? I'm willing to give a guy a chance, I'm not going to shoot him down from day one unless I just don't feel attraction. But, while giving him a chance, I am still going to keep from getting too involved until I feel secure enough to let down some barriers.
I've learned to slow down. And since I'm slowing down, I don't have time to spend on anyone that shows he has a bad attitude, and I certainly don't want to waste my energy blaming myself and trying to understand why a person is being mean when the problem is not mine but his and I don't need to make it mine by getting involved. So maybe occasionally I make a mistake in my perception. I'd rather shy away quickly and lose a good guy, then stick my neck in a lasso held buy a bad guy. I'd like to find the right man, but I'd rather be single for the rest of my life then ever go through what I've been through again.
I wonder how many people here are the ornery horses, needing attitude adjustments to become nicer, and how many people here are the easily scared horses who need gentle persistence? Two shy horses rarely get together, they are too busy snorting at each other from a distance and thinking the other is not really a horse at all, but a horse-eater disguised as a horse. So, in dealing with a shy horse, someone has to have a healthy sense of self and relationships to draw the other out and earn the trust so essential to a good relationship, if they really, really want the other person in their life, or the shy horse has to learn on their own to lose the fear while retaining a sense of self-preservation.
Are you the shy horse, or the ornery one, or are you the gentle, persistent, healthy person who is able to deal with the quirks of the shy horse, or the assertive, tough and thick-skinned trainer who not only can, but is willing to deal with the ornery horse?
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